First and foremost…the last few days have been kind of rough on me. And there really is no reason why besides the fact that I’m not sleeping normally. The last two nights, falling to sleep at a decent hour was unheard of. I wasn’t asleep until 4am, at least, both evenings.

I’ve been under unnecessary stress. Most involving this so-called relationship I am still either trying to shake off or make work. Some days I think it would be cool to make it work. But it’s really all for the wrong reasons, I decided.  In my head and in my heart…I know that he and I (T) are only going to be good as friends. We had a great time last month in Traverse City…But we are still at a point where we can’t TALK about the relationship.

And I sat and wondered about what I even wanted from this. From him. Why I was in it in the first place, as well.  With Trent, life would b, well…comfortable. He and I would both make relatively fab salaries, be able to live comfortable, if not a little more comfy then we live now….I’d be able to obtain a lot of…well, material things. Things that DON’T MATTER. Ok, yes, financial security is a big deal, but it certainly isn’t a reason why people should stay together. Yikes.  Also…we’re just comfortable with one another. Even if we’re unhappy and miserable, we’re so comfortable with the routine’s of our life and relationship that we seem to be unwilling to walk away from them. Hey, it’s scary!

I need a deeper connection to someone. A more romantic connection. I don’t want it to be mushy all the time, but I have needs. I need conversation, being held, holding hands….INTIMACY. That’s the word for it.

So, I guess moving out was a good choice for me. I just hope I can the balls to break things off soon for good. I’m hoping by the time school begins again in the fall I will have been able to say I love you, but….You couldn’t give me exactly what I needed. Not asking for marriage right away, but I needed intimacy. And some promise that we would someday have more.  Waiting 4 years for an answer? TOO F-ING LONG.

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In the meantime, you all knew I was kind of falling for someone else anyway (we’ll call him Mr. N). Trying not to, as his divorce was final a couple of months ago. But I mentioned to him by email the other day of having a night out where I’d take him to this Indian restaurant in town…He’s never eaten Indian before. He wrote back very excited and said he was looking forward to going out. But I’d have to be gentle, as it had been awhile since he’d ever been on a date. Lol. What? Hey, I’m going along for it. And I’m ALL FOR IT. Even if it is about 6 months down the road. I don’t give a crap.

We still email on a nearly daily basis and I think he knows more about me than Trent has ever TRIED to learn about me.

It’s so nice to have Mr. N in my life at the moment. But it has become glaringly obvious to me that I’ve developed feelings that I’m not ready to have….It just has been so easy with him. To talk to each other. To share things with each other that we are currently not, or maybe we have NEVER shared with another person. Holy moly…Is that what a relationship is about?? Being able to talk to each other like this? Sigh….He’s the first person I tell news to…Besides my mom, of course. And he’s also the first one I send pictures to, if I have spent an afternoon taking pics at a family gathering or something. Yes, I sent him pics from this weekend’s memorial dinner. Before I posted them on Flickr or anywhere.

All I know is that when he gets home in 6 months from Iraq? Regardless of what is going on with any relationship at the time. I’m going to greet him with the biggest hug I have ever given anyone.

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 Self explanatory. My brother Mike, sister-in-law Michelle, myself, and my sister Kirsten. Taken yesterday at my grandfather’s memorial dinner. . .My mom took a few of these on my camera…But the expression on my brother’s face is truly priceless.

Oh, really, Mike? Can’t smile? At all??

I officially give up. Being serious is not his forte.

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For the first time, ever, I really felt like my brother’s wife, Michelle….was part of the family. I know, I know. I used to whine and cry like crazy when they were dating and then got engaged..then married. I wasn’t sure if I had liked her. She was too quiet….Didn’t seem to be one of us, etc. I tried to email her or do this and that to talk to her and get to know her, and frankly? I didn’t think she wanted anything to do with me.

But when I moved a couple of weeks ago…she came with my brother and helped out a lot. And then I’ve seen her a couple of times this week, first at dinner the other night, and then yesterday…and I actually feel like….She likes me. Lol…Ok, that sounds stupid….

But maybe that was my problem before. I didn’t think she liked me.

Granted, she’s still quiet and most likely always will be. But it was kind of nice to watch her and my brother interact yesterday…and to see her laughing with the rest of us as we acted like crazy idiots (like our family always does).

I think I might like her after all. And am actually looking forward to getting to know her!
And I admit….I was wrong. I was wrong about her…I was wrong about their relationship. And I was wrong to be so….cautious.

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I’m tired of dealing with this. Tired of having panic attacks. Tired of trying to function like a normal human being when my heart is racing, with my body trying to fight back the feeling of electricity running through it. My mind races, too. Where is the nearest exit? Oh, crap, here comes the nausea…? What if I need to throw up? Is there a trash can or restroom near by…? What is people laugh at me? Can they tell I’m acting strangely?? Someone just gave me a look….Of concern..? Or do they think I’m nuts because I can’t stop fidgeting, breathing deeply, or watching the clock??

That’s what my mind sounds like sometimes….like when I met my mom, sister, brother and his wife for dinner the other night. I barely EVER get to spend time with my mom and sister because they live so far away…I almost canceled on them the other day. I got to Olive Garden before them, put in our name, took the buzzer and went back to my car, where I proceeded to have an attack. Nothing out of the unusual. Just something that sometimes happens when I go out…I get the jelly legs…and because of what I had heard the night before…And barely getting through work the day before and that morning (oh, and to top it off 4 hours of sleep??)…I felt HORRIBLE. In my head, I was convinced I was coming down with something.

But after an emergency texting session with a close friend who is always there for me during these situations…I bucked up and went in when they got there.

It took me awhile…and after only ordering soup for dinner…I felt more relaxed and didn’t even up leaving early, like I was afraid I would have to. I got through it. And had fun.

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But…I’m tired of living with anxiety. I’ve been on a trillion and ten different types of SSRI’s…xanax was in the mix once….Oh, and then I tried smoking last year for a few months thinking that might help (why, I have no idea).  I exercise, I eat right, and try to avoid trigger foods or drinks that have an excessive amount of caffeine or alcohol in them.

I’m not where I was 5 years ago, thank GOD (when I only weight 100 pounds and my family was about to go apesh*t on me when they thought I was anorexic…except that I always felt nauseated from anxiety and was afraid to eat for fear I would vomit)….But I figured by now, that I would be over it. I have read that even with treatment, that anxiety disorder is hard to shake. It’s probably always going to be a recurrent thing for me.

That’s kind of depressing…And here comes more anxiety from worrying too much about it….

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